In Tall (Dis)order
by starrymilk
Summary: "These words in my head never seemed to have escaped from my mouth. My mind's no longer mute, but I can't say them out loud anymore." A mental monologue. { C x A }


**Author's Note**: This drabble is written in Cloud's point of view, his thoughts in tall disorder (hence the title). Please bear with this piece as it's my first. I usually write a lot about feelings (I know, I feel so blogger-ish) so I don't know how this will be taken. In any case, I wrote this in celebration of Cloud and Aerith's fateful encounter (December 9th at the streets of Midgar and December 10th at the church). I hope fellow shippers enjoy this! Thanks in advance!

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><p><strong>In Tall (Dis)order<strong>

By starrymilk

_Years ago from today I bought a shoot of flower from a lovely lady; she took me by surprise in shades of brilliant red._ You were brighter than the whole city itself. Honestly, you stood out like a flower among the weeds.

Speaking of flowers, this church of yours is falling apart, Aerith – but the flowers are alive as ever. And I remember that not for long, I woke up from your flowerbed and saw you again. _Oh, it's her,_ I said to myself. The flower girl from the slums. How you convinced me to buy something unlikely of my taste still wonders me. But I guess there isn't much reason to that at all. I'm just really drawn to you.

I remember you. It's been what – years since a happy accident. I know that you will tell me that I shouldn't be thinking of you as the whole world goes ahead, but I like wasting time with the thoughts of your smiling face, some _what-if's_ and _could-have-been's_.

However, every now and then, I forget. On days I'm out struggling for work – to do a damn good job – I forget. I forget your voice, your face, the sound of your name – I forget.. or at least I try to.

I admit that I intend to, because the mere thought of you paralyzes me to a pipe dream, like what I am right now. I always find myself in a daze whenever I'm on my own.

I really don't _forget _you, though.

Because I can't help but to keep remembering -

You, me, the flowers, this church; heartily laughs and constant conversations; dim sunlight and comfortable silence.

These words in my head never seemed to have escaped from my mouth. I can't help but feel pathetic about how I lacked the words when you still could have heard them. My mind's no longer mute, but I can't say them out loud anymore. It feels really pathetic.

Don't get me wrong – I'm okay, I'm alright. I get the message that you dislike me frequenting this place, worrying that I'm borderline miserable again. You're worried that perhaps I'm haunted by your memory, thus me mistaking hopelessness as otherwise. But no, it's not like that. I prefer it this way than you wanting me to go on further – to be with _her_, to be with someone _else_, anyone _else_. I hate that of all people I should be with, it just can't be _you_.

Same fireworks and butterflies with someone else. Believe me, I wished I could, I wished I could feel the same way again. To be capable of cherishing someone again. But I can't. And I want to let you know that sometimes I wish I could resent you for being too much of what I asked for. But you know I couldn't. My efforts to push you out of my mind (my entire system) do seem minute, but it's only that much strength I can exert. Perhaps I already ran out of it. I don't think that's a bad thing. I've gotten over my what you deemed 'extreme' and 'silly' notions of following you to the Lifestream.. and such.

But you can't blame me for having such thoughts back then. Days like today remind me of the days we had together; they feel many but they're truthfully few. And it will always make me remember that the days were and will just never be enough.

By the end of this day, I dread that I'll be heading my way towards the exit and remember the time you suddenly walked away from me, with an unspoken farewell. I will remember you leaving me with only a dream of you promising to come back (because you never did).

But until the next time I remember you, probably in my dreams tonight – every night – the memories, our memories, I will hold on 'til I ran out of them; you, me, the flowers, this church. Pink ribbons, gondolas, you.

But I really don't forget you. Impossibly no way I can.

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><p>I hope you enjoyed that!<p>

**The Author **


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